Posted By Karsten on January 13, 2011

The answer to the question ‘do I want my ex back?’ is if you are thinking that you do then you probably do. You see if your ex still loves you, no matter how much you’ve messed up in the past, she will more than likely be receptive to you if you can prove to her that she won’t be wasting her time and that she won’t get hurt again.

No one wants to be hurt and no one wants to set themselves up to be hurt by trusting someone who has already proven they can’t be trusted. For this reason you will probably be able to win her back but you had better expect an uphill climb.

The first step is to give her a little time and space. Don’t rush her or expect everything to happen quickly. It takes a lot longer to rebuild trust than it took to tear it apart. More than likely by the time you’ve gotten to this point you’ve let her down more than once. Please don’t think that all that past hurt and all those mistakes will go away and she’ll forget about them just because you say ‘I’m sorry’ or you tell her that ‘I’ve changed’. She’ll probably need to see some proof that that is true.

It is important for you to concentrate on yourself instead of just trying to convince her you have changed. It will take you time to truly change the person that you are and you do not ever want to make the mistake of thinking you can somehow trick her into believing you are a different man.

Even if you could what would that accomplish? Eventually she will just see that you have lied to her again and she will just leave you again and the two of you will truly be done. It is much better to do the work and actually make the changes and make them permanent. It will not only give you the answer to the question ‘do I want my ex back’ it will also help you to keep the relationship strong and just make you a better person overall.

Depending on how much time has passed since the two of you broke up, you may want to start all over with your ex. Pretend like the two of you are just getting to know each other. Take it very slow. The worst thing you can do at that point is to try and talk her into trusting you again. Do not just pay more lip service to it. Instead try to spend time with her, just as a friend, and let her see that you’ve really changed. When she sees it with her own eyes it is much more likely that she will learn to trust you again.

Remember, if you want to know ‘do I want my ex back’ the answer really lies mostly with you. Love does not die that easily so unless you really treated her badly it is very likely that she still cares for you. It is up to you to prove to her that she’s not a fool for taking you back.

Category: General, Get My Ex Back, Get My Ex Girlfiend Back, Relationship Recovery, Win Back Your Ex | No Comments »
Tags: Get My Ex Girlfriend Back, I Want My Ex Girlfriend Back, Want My Ex Back

Posted By Karsten on January 12, 2011

It does not have to be all that hard to get somebody back after they have walked out on you. Furthermore, it doesn’t make all that much difference if they left you three days ago or three months ago, the principles of how to get someone back remain the same. The main thing is for you to be willing to do whatever it takes to get them back and to stay committed to it.

Before you do anything else, you will have to spend some time and do some soul searching to find out what went wrong, and what you did that contributed to your break up. The purpose of this is not to place blame on each other for different things. Instead it’s meant to give you a chance to look at things more logically and to find out what you may need to apologize for.

You are human. Your ex is human. That means both of you made mistakes, and a lot of them. Of course you don’t want to apologize about every tiny detail. If you do that you may come across as being sarcastic or obsessed; neither of which will help you to get someone back. A better approach is to be selective with what you apologize for.

So what are some of the things you should be apologetic about? There are two main categories. The first are those things you did wrong that hurt your ex in any way, including emotionally. The second are those things you did that led to your relationship coming to an end. Granted, there may be other things you’ll need to say you’re sorry for, but these are the biggest.

Saying you’re sorry isn’t always easy. You are going to have to swallow your pride, but as long as you focus on getting someone back, it will be easier. When it comes to apologizing, how you say it is more important than what you say. You will have to specific, and you will have to be sincere. That’s why it’s so important to take the time to do some soul searching.

It would be great if you could just apologize and be done with it, but that’s not the way it works. You not only have to say you’re sorry in the right way, but you also have to show that you are sorry. The only real way to show you’re sorry is to not make the same mistakes again. This isn’t always easy, but promise to do your best.

At the same time, you have to be willing to accept any apologies your ex offers to you (though your apologizing is not dependent on whether or not they choose to apologize to you). Once they apologize, it’s up to you to accept their apology and forgive them. Remember, by knowing how to apologize, you can get your ex back. The key is to be honest, specific and sincere. That way you will get back together and for good.

Category: For Men, For Women, General, Get My Ex Back, Relationship Advice, Relationship Recovery, Win Back Your Ex | No Comments »
Tags: Apologize To Get Your Ex Back, Get Love Back, Get Someone Back

Posted By Karsten on January 11, 2011

If you’re to the point that you’re asking how you can save your marriage, I’m sorry. I know how painful this type of situation can be. I also know that it may not be too late and it’s often not as hard as you may think to revive a dying relationship.

It’s not rocket science, actually if you can remove the emotion (I know, easier said than done) then it’s much easier in a lot of cases than you may realize. Just remember that pretty much everyone wants the same basic things from a marriage: companionship, love and respect. How we go about asking for those things, or showing those things, can vary from culture to culture and among genders, but that’s pretty much it.

Most of the time when a marriage is falling apart it’s because one or both of the spouses don’t feel like their needs are being met. We often boil marriage troubles down to sex, but sex is really only a ‘by product’ of the basic need to feel loved.

So, step one to pull your marriage back from the brink is to try to objectively analyze the way you and your spouse treat each other. Do you talk to each other with respect most of the time (we all have our bad days when we’re a little rough around the edges and may take that out on others, as long as these days are kept to a minimum it’s not that big of a deal) or do you talk to your spouse like you hate their guts?

Once you’ve thought about it you may realize that you take a lot of your general frustrations out on your spouse. If you’ve figured that much out all you have to do is talk to your spouse, explain that it isn’t about them and that you are sincerely sorry for taking the day to day aggravations you face out on them. Follow that apology up by making sure you stop doing it.

That one simple thing can make a ton of difference in a lot of relationships. If the behavior has gone on for a long time, it might take more than this to fix things. If it’s gone on for a long time it’s likely that both of you are now in the habit of talking to each other that way, that can lead to a lot of built up anger and hurt which will take longer to work through.

If that’s the case you may be better of finding a good counselor to walk you through the healing process and help each of you re-train yourselves when it comes to communicating. It may take some time to ‘unlearn’ your bad communication habits and learn new ones.

There are a lot of things that can go wrong in a marriage, and just as many ways to fix them. But in almost all cases it will boil down to poor communicating. Some simple changes in the way you and your spouse talk to each other may be all you need to save your marriage.

Category: General, Marriage, Win Back Love | No Comments »
Tags: Marriage And Communication, Save Your Marriage, Stop Your Divorce Save Your Marriage

Posted By Karsten on January 10, 2011

Like a lot of people, I’m in my second marriage. The first one (I married the same person twice… duh) ended in divorce. When people said they were sorry about the divorce I couldn’t help but think “don’t be sorry, it’s long overdue”. The marriage was not good. This time, though, I made a much better choice with my spouse, and this time I’m happy to say that this is one of the most successful relationships I’ve ever had.

People wonder how they can have a successful relationship. There are all kinds of doctors and writers who are more than willing to share the ‘secrets’ to having good relationships, if you buy their books. I’m going to tell you some simple things to do, for free.

You see, as humans we tend to make things so much more complicated than we need to. I honestly believe that you know exactly what you need to do to have a good relationships, you just aren’t willing to do it.

Take my sister for example, she calls me at least once a week to complain about what her boyfriend has done. I’m not talking about little annoying things (like leaving the toilet seat up or not putting the paper away when he was done reading it) either, I’m talking major things like screaming at her and treating her like crap.

She has even said that she should break up with him, she knows she should, she just doesn’t have the guts to do it. I try to tell her that she would probably be happier once she did it, but she’s just not willing to do it. Again, she knows what she needs to do, she just won’t do it.

I think that’s the case for most people. In a lot of cases people are just in a relationship with the wrong person. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but more often than not you either picked the wrong person to start with or you have both grown in different ways and are no longer compatible.

So the one big key to having good relationships is to not settle and pick someone who you know in your heart isn’t right for you just because you don’t want to be alone. Instead be a little more picky and find your version of the perfect person. Be willing to overlook some smaller things that you don’t like but don’t turn a blind eye to things that will be real trouble such as lying, cheating, or abuse.

If you figure out what things you absolutely don’t want to have in a relationship and then hold your ground when you meet someone who displays those traits, you’ll greatly increase your odds of finding your ‘perfect’ partner.

Anyone can have successful relationships as long as they remember that it starts with them. Take some time to get yourself to the point where you are confidant enough to hold out for someone who will treat you the way you should be treated and you’ll find yourself in a great relationship sooner than you’d have thought.

Category: For Men, For Women, General, Relationship Advice | No Comments »
Tags: Building Successful Relationships, How To Maintain A Successful Relationship, Successful Relationships

Posted By Karsten on January 9, 2011

Building trust in a relationship can take time, it can take even more time rebuilding that trust a second time. I mean, come on, face facts, the first time around you give someone a really big benefit of the doubt. If they make a promise to you it takes a real leap of faith to let yourself open up and trust them, but if they break that trust, it can be almost impossible to do it again.

The reason for that is simple: they’ve already proven through their words or actions that they can’t be trusted. The first time around you had no way of knowing one way or the other, but now you do. Now you know that they can’t be trusted, why in the world would you set yourself up for that kind of hurt and pain again?

That is why it’s so difficult to overcome any kind of cheating in a relationship. You know the old saying: “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”, that’s the whole point. Few people would take such a big risk of being hurt by letting someone who has already proven that they can’t be trusted, into their lives again.

It’s best to make darn sure you don’t do anything to make your partner lose their faith in you in the first place. I know, a lot of people may be thinking that that is easier said than done, but not really.

While it’s true that sometimes you find yourself becoming attracted to someone you see on a day to day basis, someone that you may not be able to avoid seeing like a co-worker. In a case like that you just have to keep as much distance as possible and not allow yourself to spend more time with them, or spend time with them outside of work, than is absolutely necessary.

A lot of times though, we do it to ourselves. We’ll see someone out at a club when we’re with our friends and one thing leads to another and before you know it you’ve done the very thing you promised you’d never do. In cases like that, you’re just a jackass.

Sorry, rough I know, but true. Just because you’re out on your own for a night with friends is no excuse to hook up with someone. If you can’t stay faithful for one night then you need to really spend some serious time figuring out what is wrong with you because that’s not normal behavior.

Some will consider themselves ‘the man’ or a ‘playa’ but really those are just ways to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings. A real man would live up to his word and if he promised his girl that he would be faithful than that’s what he’d do… period.

And I’m not picking on guys, ladies the same exact thing applies to you. If you really want trust in a relationship make sure that you don’t do anything to betray that trust. It’s very hard to risk being hurt and open up and trust someone, it’s virtually impossible to do it a second time when that person proves to you that they can’t be trusted.

Category: Broken Trust, General, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems | No Comments »
Tags: Broken Trust In Relationships, Building Trust In A Relationship, Regaining Trust In A Relationship

Posted By Karsten on January 8, 2011

Regaining trust in a relationship is going to be an uphill climb. I’m not saying that it can’t be done, I’m just saying that you better be willing to put in some serious time and effort if that’s what you want. If you’re not, you might as well walk away right now and save both of you a lot of extra pain.

Of course, there are many reasons trust can be lost. Sometimes it’s fairly ‘small’ like when your spouse belittles you in front of others. Other times it can be even worse such as in the case of infidelity. This can be virtually impossible to overcome.

If you’re willing to try, step one is to figure out what you did to break the trust in the first place. Obviously, if it was infidelity that will be pretty clear. But if it was something a little less extreme like ridiculing your partner or making fun of them all the time, it might take some digging to figure out why you felt the need to hurt the one person you’re supposed to love above everyone else.

Sometimes the more subtle betrayals can be a sign of some deep seated resentment against your partner. You need to get to the bottom of that issue to figure out what it is before you can make any kind of change.

If you’ve cheated than you will also need to figure out why. In many cases it’s about a lot more than just being attracted to another person. It’s often a sign that you’re unhappy with your partner and / or a severe character flaw of yours. Whatever the case may be the first step to trying to rebuild trust with your partner is to identify the problems so that you can fix them so you never repeat your mistake.

It’s going to take a lot to get your partner to trust you again, the last thing you want to do is to repay that trust by hurting them and betraying them again. Before you ask for a second chance you better make darn sure you’re up to the challenge of never betraying them again.

Once you’ve identified the problem and have taken steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again, it’s time to talk to your partner. Explain to them that you’ve been working on yourself and fixing your issues. Ask them for another chance. Even if they say ‘yes’ you have to understand that you’ll essentially be on ‘probation’ for a long time.

You have to be willing to overlook a little paranoia on their part. It’s going to be very difficult for them to completely let their guard down again and it’s likely to take quite a long time before they do. They’ll need to see a lot of proof that you’ve really changed first.

Regaining trust in a relationship will take a lot of time, love and patience. It’s not impossible if both parties are willing to try, but make sure that both of you enter into the process with your eyes wide open and don’t expect a quick fix.

Category: Broken Trust, General, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems | No Comments »
Tags: Broken Trust In Relationships, Building Trust In A Relationship, Regaining Trust In A Relationship

Posted By Karsten on January 7, 2011

Oh, please, like I’m going to be able to give you information on understanding men in this short article! Women have been trying to figure them out since the dawn of time, and we still can’t quite get a handle on it. I guess there are a few things that I’ve kind of figured out over the years that might just help you out a little bit.

I’m not someone with a fancy degree or a lot of initials behind my name. But I am someone who pays attention and has come to a few conclusions about men. Some of my insights might help clarify these strange beasts. Some of my insights aren’t all that complimentary about these strange beasts, no offense is intended.

I was married for 16 years to a ‘man’. I put the word man in quotes because my ex acted a lot more like a spoiled and scared little boy than what I always thought a man should act like and not because he was a cross dresser, though that might have made him more interesting!

Anyway, my ex was abusive. No, not in the extreme way most people think of when they hear the word abusive, his abuse was a little more subtle than a slap in the face… but just barely. He loved to ridicule me and cut me down in front of his family. I thought it was more than a little pathetic how he curried favor with his mommy by treating his wife like crap.

After the marriage was over and I had some time to think about things it occurred to me that it wasn’t really about me at all. He was lashing out at me for some insecurities he had (probably related to his mommy, but that’s a whole other article). So once I realized that he was just fundamentally flawed, and I should never have married him in the first place, things began to make more sense.

It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with me (except the aforementioned shouldn’t have married him part) it’s just that he was so riddled with insecurities and doubt that he had to try to make me feel as bad about myself as he did about himself… and it worked. I felt like the biggest failure as a wife and mother for a long time.

I went to a counselor after my marriage to try and make sense of it all and that’s the conclusion I came to. The fact that he has since remarried (I kid you not, an ex stripper) just reinforces the conclusions I came to. He finally found a woman who had less confidence than he did, a match made in heaven!

The bottom line is this ladies: pick the right guy. That may sound simple, but it’s true. I think most of us can look back on a bad relationship and, if we’re honest with ourselves, realize that there were warning signs from the start. Signs that we chose to ignore. If you don’t ignore the warnings you won’t need any more help understanding men, most of it will just fall into place!

Category: For Women, General, Relationship Advice | No Comments »
Tags: How To Pick The Right Guy, How To Understand Men, Understanding Men

Posted By Karsten on January 6, 2011

I know you’ve heard it so often that it probably sounds like a cliche, but effective communication in relationships is the number 1 way to make sure that your good relationship stays good. It’s not just about being able to talk about your problems, it’s also about being able to share your hopes, dreams and goals and letting the other person know how much you care.

It never ceases to amaze me when people are on the phone with their spouse how they’ll end the conversation with a casual ‘love you too’. I’m not saying that’s bad, but I am saying that this ‘habit’ is just one example of how we think that we’re telling our partner how we feel when we’re really not.

It’s way too easy to say what you’re expected to say with no real meaning behind the words. We all do it. That is at the basis for poor communication skills in a relationship. If I asked one hundred people if they talk to their spouse as openly and candidly as they do their best friend, I’ll bet around 90 of them would say ‘no’.

That’s because many of us just hold our tongue because we don’t want to rock the boat. If things are going well you don’t want to bring up uncomfortable subjects and ruin the good mood. And if things are going bad you’ve got enough to deal with without bringing up more issues. So the ‘bad’ things never get talked about.

Or at least they never get talked about until you’re really angry at your spouse and then it all comes out like a tsunami and your spouse is likely feeling a little blindsided. I think we’ve all been guilty of doing that at one time or another.

It’s important for the two of you to be able to talk to each other in a safe environment. Your partner has to know that if they want to talk about something that you’re not going to ‘attack’ them. Whether it’s getting mad and yelling, or trying to make them feel guilty because they hurt your feelings. It’s all an attack and it’s all very manipulative. The point is you have to be willing to listen to it all, good and bad.

Of course, the same exact thing holds true for your spouse too. It’s got to be give and take. You should both be willing to listen to the issues the other one has and you should both be able to talk about the issues you have, without being punished by getting the cold shoulder or being yelled at.

Most of this will start with each of you having enough self confidence to not take everything personally. If your spouse tries to talk to you about a problem and all you hear is “you’re not good enough” or “you’re not smart enough” or “I don’t love you” than the issue is with you, not them. Get that fixed first.

Do yourself and your partner a favor, take the time to learn the skills of effective communication in relationships.

Category: Communication, General, Lack Of Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems | No Comments »
Tags: Communication In Relationships, How To Communicate With Your Partner, Keys To Successful Relationships

Posted By Karsten on January 5, 2011

There are probably thousands of places online and off where you can go to get love life advice. Some of the sources will make a lot of sense and resonate with you. Others, not so much. Sometimes it’s best to go to the one place you know that will give you the best advice, your own heart and head, as long as you don’t ignore the stuff you don’t want to face.

I’ve often said that we all know what the issues are in our relationship. We just don’t want to face them so we push those unpleasant truths so far down that they just don’t seem real anymore.

We convince ourselves that we were wrong and the reason our relationship is bad isn’t because our boyfriend is a nasty drunk. We tell ourselves the real problem is that he has a bad leg and is in a lot of pain, or that he’s under a lot of stress at work, etc. In other words, we lie to ourselves.

The best love life advice I can give you is to be brutally honest with yourself. Stop lying to yourself and face the truth. I tell that to my sister all the time. The guy I described above is her boyfriend. She calls me at least once a week complaining about some nasty thing he has said or done. It gets old.

I’ve told her that she has two choices: she can kick his useless ass to the curb or she can shut up and accept him for what he is (which isn’t much!). Sorry to sound so harsh, but that’s really all there is in many cases.

Now, true, sometimes good people and good relationships just run into trouble. But in my experience with my friends I have to say that to me it looks more like they’ve just picked the wrong person for the wrong reason and don’t want to face it.

Sometimes counseling can help. It’s going to depend on how committed each of you is to working things out. It’s very likely that you are both going to hear things about yourself that you may not want to hear, if you’re not totally committed to the process you’ll shut down once that happens.

In a lot of cases though, you really need to face the cold hard truth that you may not be with the right person. On the surface that may sound like a tragedy but I have to ask you, do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship that is loving and kind? To really be with someone who you like and trust completely? It’s sad but I know a lot of people don’t honestly know what that’s like.

If you don’t know what that’s like you are doing yourself a big disservice clinging to a bad relationship. You might just be able to find real happiness, I know I did and it wasn’t with my ex. That is the best love life advice I’ve got!

Category: For Men, For Women, General, Relationship Advice | No Comments »
Tags: Advice On Relationships, Love Life Advice, Relationship Advice

Posted By Karsten on January 4, 2011

We all want healthy relationships, but how do we go about finding the right person so that we can have a great relationship? Well, to tell you the truth, it might be easier to tell you what not to do, than what to do if you want a great loving relationship.

Of course, we want all the relationships we enter into to be healthy, not just the romantic ones. We want good relationships with friends, families, children, siblings, etc, but for the purpose of this article I’m going to concentrate on the romantic variety of relationships (though much of this advice will work for other types of relationships too),

People make a lot of mistakes on their quest for love. They overlook very obvious signs of trouble in the beginning. Its’ much easier to end a relationship when you start to see signs that the person you’re involved with isn’t really right for you, early in the relationship. The further the relationship progresses, and the deeper the feelings become, the harder it is to end things.

That’s why it’s so important to take off the blinders right from the start. Now, a word of caution, you can’t get too caught up on every little thing and set your expectations so high that you’re being unreasonable either. No one is perfect, not even you. The trick is to find someone as close to your definition of perfect as possible.

Someone who lies, especially early in the relationship when everyone is supposed to be on their best behavior, should be a deal breaker. Someone who is always a few minutes late, while annoying, might be something you will be able to overlook if everything else is wonderful.

You do have to pick and choose, just like they will have to do with you and your foibles. The point is that things that are a sign of a serious character flaw such as lying, cheating, or being abusive are not the kinds of things that should be overlooked. More often than not, these traits tend to get worse with familiarity which means the longer the two of you are together, the worse things will probably become.

So the next time that ‘great’ new guy you just met makes a ‘joke’ about how fat you’re getting you really need to stop and think. If his ‘jokes’ bother you, tell him. The way he responds will tell you all you need to know. If he sincerely apologizes for hurting your feelings and follows that apology up by not doing it anymore he was probably really just making a joke and meant no harm.

But if he turns it around on you and blames you for being ‘too sensitive’ and then continues to do it over and over again (or some variation thereof) he’s an abusive person and you should kick him to the curb before it goes any further.

There is a lot of information available on how to find and have healthy relationships, and a lot of it can be helpful. But in the end, you’ll have to rely on your own common sense and if you don’t ignore the warning signs early on you’ll greatly increase your chances of finding someone who can make you happy for the long haul.

Category: For Men, For Women, General, Relationship Advice | No Comments »
Tags: Healthy Relationships, How To Keep A Relationship Healthy, Maintain Healthy Relationships